I'm talking a lot lately about the enormous wave of disconnectedness that is sweeping our culture — particularly among our teens. The reason I’m so focused on this topic is that this sense of not being connected is having a dramatic impact on young people. In their search for meaningful connection their behaviors are leaving their parents scratching their heads and asking, “Where did that come from?”
You’re probably saying, “But Mark, my teen is connecting with their friends all the time, all day long; tweeting, texting, posting . . . the stream of words is nearly constant!” However, the increasingly impersonal nature of these means of communication is actually hindering real connection rather than promoting it. Today’s teens are not only becoming less connected with meaningful relationships with their peers, but increasingly less connected with their parents, family, and church as well.
You can’t “fix” the culture in which your teen lives, and you can’t force them to start connecting, but you can take steps to assure that they have at least one meaningful connection — with you. This is not something you can hand off to a teacher, pastor or youth worker; you need to be actively involved in connecting with your teen. I urge you to take the initiative rather than waiting for them to come to you.
What I’ve found is that parents tend to overestimate their child’s ability to deal with the pressures they are facing and underestimate the influence of the culture on their child. Your child is swimming in dangerous waters whether you recognize it or not. They are going to need your help to handle the turbulence in their life in a way that doesn’t come across as being patronizing or judgmental.
Remember this, if they’re drowning or the sharks are swirling around, they don’t need a lecture. They don’t need to hear about other swimmers who are doing better. They don’t need to be corrected on their swimming technique (or their swimwear either) — they need help! Throw them a life preserver, or jump in and help them make it back to shore. I’m not saying there aren’t things that need correcting; I’m simply pointing out that as a matter of priority, making sure you have a strong connection with your teen is critical. It really can be a matter of life and death. That uninterrupted hour you spend together each week (as a minimum) can be that life preserver.
Assess your child’s relationships. Look at the other kids your child is spending time with. Do they connect? Does your child have the kind of friends who would push them under or lift them up if they started to struggle? You can’t pick and choose friends for your teen; parents have been trying to do that as long as there have been teenagers, and the next time it works will be the first. But you can encourage them toward positive and helpful relationships, and you can ensure that they are in places where there is a good chance of them finding a meaningful and helpful friend (church, mission outreaches, volunteering, and civic clubs or other activities that tend to attract good kids).
Finding a friend at church is no guarantee that they will be a positive influence, so take care not to assume that. I can’t tell you how many of our Heartlight kids said they began this or that bad behavior because a friend from church or their Christian school dared them to. Take care to look for a church and youth group where your teen feels comfortable, where there is solid leadership, and where strong values are taught. I know that many families struggle with the issue of church choices during the teen years. For our kids, we told them to choose what church they would like to attend, as long as it was a good Bible-believing and teaching church. We dropped them off there, and Jan and I went to the church we liked. There’s nothing wrong with that. They would have been bored silly and not had any good friends attending the church we liked to attend. We would have not enjoyed the church they liked and not had any friends there. So, we did what was best for each of us. It made for great after-church conversations, since we could each talk about our own experiences and what we learned that day.
Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to share your struggles with your teen. Your struggles can have a powerful impact on them, encouraging them to turn to God and friends for help in the difficult times. They need to know that it’s okay to struggle. They need to know where to go in times of struggle. They need to know that God answers those who call on Him for help, and that the church and good friends will be there for them. There’s no better way for them to learn that than to see, not just hear, it in your life.
Spend more time together. What you do with your teen doesn’t really matter. What’s important is that you spend time together. Find something that interests and appeals to them. Most of the girls at Heartlight would rather sit and talk. Most of the guys would rather be out doing something active while they talk. But there are exceptions. My point is that you need to find an environment where your teen will be able to have fun and enjoy their time with you. This both builds a deeper relationship and creates an atmosphere where they can open up about what is bothering them.
You need to know enough about their world to be able to answer the questions they ask and speak truth into their lives. So many times I hear the words, “I never thought it would happen to my child.” Don’t let that happen to you. Be involved and know what’s going on. We know that all teens are going to have troubles as they go through adolescence; what I’m suggesting is that you be aware enough to see the dangers coming before they become life-threatening.
Want a change? More than anything else, teens change because of relationships — with you, with leaders they look up to, and with good friends. Likewise, they can be dragged down by relationships with bad influences. They crave for relationships wherever they can find them, so be sure not to leave a void. If you work to keep the lines of communication open and your relationship strong, you are giving your teen an incredibly valuable preparation and example to live by, not just for their teen years but for life. Work at keeping your relationship alive, and your teen plugged in to your family and church. If you do, they (and you) will be spared the negative consequences brought on by a disconnected culture.
