Extended family problems can start occurring even before you give birth.
We all would love to have families who support, encourage and help with the rearing of our children.
However, we will, at some point, have to make a simple choice:
Which blood is thicker?
That which is between you and a family member (parent/sister/brother/aunt/uncle) or that which is present now between you, your husband and your child?
What do you do when you realize that a family relationship is not a good influence on your child?
What do you do when you see that your child’s care is compromised when any of the above is in charge?
Our FIRST obligation is to our husband and child, not to our extended family. When we recognize wrong-doing, we must confront it and work to resolve it. We are the eyes, ears and voice for our child when they are helpless or not ready to make decisions regarding what’s in their best interest.
Our first obligation must be to the child that God has given us, for their well-being, for their good. Truly loving someone is “willing their good”. That sometimes means being unpopular, ostracized, mocked and hurt. Sound familiar?
Jesus gave us the ultimate example on the cross. We hopefully won’t be crucified for loving our child, but a certain amount of personal suffering will be involved. He tells us that we are “blessed if we are persecuted in His name.” (Matthew 5:11) Those sufferings never go unnoticed by God. He has the power to sustain us through them when we call upon Him.
No one questioned the mom’s decision to leap out of a burning building, holding her toddler to her chest, risking her life trying to protect his. It was celebrated all over the news, as it should be. However, when moms (and dads) sacrifice having the approval or validation of a family relationship in order to do what is in the best interest of their child, nothing short of an emotional and physical riot can break out in a family.
Why?
Pride. Simple as that. The root of all sin. It’ll get us. Every. Single. Time.
I will never be 100% sure that I have completely made the right decision regarding all extended family problems. Sometimes it’s been easy — when a child’s life is in danger.
And sometimes even with my child’s life in danger it has felt like I was asking for something special or unusual just to do what every mother is called to do — keep them safe from harm.
One principle has helped guide me through most of my (many) extended family problems:
We are our child’s voice.
God has put US, yes, US in charge of speaking for them. The act of staying silent, not doing anything and letting things slide is just as bad as putting them in harm’s way ourselves. We have to be brave and speak up!
It can really stink at times. It puts a pit in our stomach. It can sever ties in friendships, make for rocky years of extended family problems. But as their parent, we are accountable.
Also, I’ve asked myself, “If my child was a full-grown, rational adult and looking back on this situation, what would they say to me?”
Would they say to you….
“Sure mom and dad, a quick trip to the store on your lap in the front seat won’t be a big deal. I know I cry too much in the car seat. Sorry.”
No.
“Forget about giving me healthy food and making me play outside. I really want to develop bad eating habits and be unhealthy.”
No.
“I don’t care if they’ve had a glass of wine or two, put me in the car with them anyway. They’ll get upset with you for not trusting them. I’ll be fine. I wouldn’t want their feelings to get hurt.”
Double No.
If you are struggling with extended family problems, I want to encourage and support you in making wise decisions for your children. It’s not easy. Nothing worth doing ever is. However, stay guided by prayer and scripture. God will honor your desires for doing what’s right for your family.
Where have you had to be “your child’s voice”?
What extended family problems are you currently encountering?
How has God helped you through extended family problems in the past?
