What do you do when God doesn't show up the way you expect Him to?
I got pregnant in January, 2009. My husband, Carl, and I thought everything was perfect until I miscarried at 10 weeks. We were shocked and obviously, extremely upset. After a year of trying to get pregnant with no positive tests, anger and jealously started filling our hearts.
Jealous of Happiness
We were part of an awesome home group at NewSpring Church. But as all our friends started families, we felt left behind. I was happy for them, but secretly, jealousy ate away at my heart because that was the one thing I wanted. I was honestly embarrassed we weren't getting pregnant. I felt like something was wrong with me and maybe God was punishing me.
No one knew the pain I was feeling. I didn't share my feelings with our home-group, friends or even my husband at times. I think a part of me didn't want to bother others with our struggle, because their lives seem to be right on track. Everyone seemed so happy. Eventually, we left our group of three years because we didn't know how else to cope with the emotions I was experiencing.
All I could think was that this is the way God wants us to do life.
But slowly, the Lord revealed to me our trial of infertility was unmasking sin in my life I was carrying in my heart for a long time. Our small group leaders didn't quit on us even though we had quit on them. Through several conversations, they reminded Carl and me how much He loves us and hadn’t forgotten about us. He had a perfect plan, and this trial we were facing was changing our lives for the good.
Our prayers changed from “Lord, get us pregnant!” to “Lord, what do you want for us?” Carl and I both began to feel a peace from the Lord. A peace that only Jesus could provide, not a baby. And we eventually rejoined the small group we loved so much! That's when God showed up in an amazing way.
An Unexpected Blessing
I had joined an infertility Bible study for support and encouragement, knowing I couldn't go through this alone. And through that, we were put in touch with a woman whose daughter was pregnant and couldn't keep the baby. We thought we were going to have a month to get everything complete with the attorneys but then our daughter, Kadyn, was born five weeks early. We went into panic mode, because we weren’t prepared.
Our home-group met us the next day with all the essentials we would need along with an envelope full of money for adoption fees. I was absolutely blown away by the love and support from our friends! All I could think was that this is the way God wants us to do life.
God Is Faithful
Through the ups and downs of that process, the Lord was faithful and everything eventually fell into place. When we were finally able to head to the hospital to see Kadyn, the nurse placed her in my arms for the first time and our sweet girl smiled. She knew her mom and dad were there. It all seemed like a dream. We would look at each other and say, “Is this really happening?”
It didn't matter what obstacle was thrown at us, God dealt with it and he provided the support we needed through our amazing home-group! What God brought us through and taught us in the last three years is incredible. I have a stronger relationship with Jesus. Carl and I have a stronger marriage and we live a life where we completely trust God. Still to this day, as we continue to struggle with infertility, we look at our daughter with amazement. She is a reminder of how good God is.
