Imagine, as newly adoptive parents, you receive an invitation to an annual family reunion where extended family members from around the country will gather in a park setting to eat, play and reconnect. Are you excited, dreading it or feeling a combination of both emotions?
Often this type of situation will invoke conflicting feelings. You may be excited to reconnect with family and enjoy the experience of introducing your child to your extended family. But you may also have concerns about a multitude of scenarios of how things might go wrong.
What are you going to do?
Before the reunion:
Start thinking through the challenges you anticipate and develop a plan for how they can be addressed should they arise.
How will you handle inappropriate comments from others?
Well intentioned family members may ask questions or make comments to you or your child related to adoption that are insensitive or hurtful. Anticipate what some of these may be and think about how you can respond.
Will your child be overwhelmed by an unfamiliar environment?
An unfamiliar place, new people and different food is a lot for any child to adjust to. As a newly adopted child, the stress of all this change at once can be overwhelming. Seek information in advance about the setting, schedule, and attendees. You can use photos to prepare your child about what to expect at the venue and to begin to identify unfamiliar family members. Also, plan to bring along food that will be familiar to your child.
Will your family members (who are in essence strangers to your child) expect hugs or kisses from your child?
Strategize with your child alternatives that are respectful of his or her personal boundaries. Empower your child with ways to respond such as offering a hand shake or a high-five.
What are some “social rules” in your family that may be unfamiliar to your child?
Think about some of the nuances that may be unique to your family and explain them to your child. You can role play with your child to prepare him and give him a chance to practice interacting in a comfortable setting.
What are some of the ways you can tell your child is getting overwhelmed?
Develop a signal you and your child can exchange to signal it’s time for a break. Also think about how long you should stay at the event. Explain to your host ahead of time if you feel a shorter visit is in your child’s best interest.
The day of the reunion:
- Make sure your child is rested, fed, and hydrated before going to the reunion.
- Bring food and comfort items along that are familiar to your child.
- Enlist a few close family members to assist you in supporting, calming, or distracting your child if the situation becomes stressful. Ask another child to be a buddy to your child to give support and companionship.
Should a meltdown occur:
- Find a quieter place to retreat.
- Engage in calming activities with your child. Try playing in a sandbox, swinging, or blowing bubbles.
- Remember to practice your own self-soothing techniques.
- Don’t feel bad if you have to leave the event early. Don’t let the pressure of other’s expectations prevent you from doing what you think is best for your child.
- Reflect and try to identify what went wrong. Were there early cues of distress that were missed or unexpected triggers for your child? You and your child are navigating a new relationship and times when things go awry are a great opportunity to learn from each other and strengthen connections.
