The question presented to the panel was,”How can I find friends when I am so busy with my kids?”
The room quieted. Tears came. It became clear… each of us moms (the participants and those of us on the panel) had experienced or were experiencing a season of loneliness.
Single moms, married moms, stay-at-home moms, working moms- we all desire to have that BFF. We all want that deeper connection with another woman.
As a mentor for Moms Together, Mothering From Scratch’s Facebook group, I thought we should begin by talking about what are the things that surround that tender longing of being… moms together.
Okay, so why are we alone in our loneliness?
I guess the business and busyness of life gets in the way. Too scheduled to develop a closer relationship.
Maybe fear of being hurt is another reason. We’ve all had that experience – the pain of losing a friend.
But this is something most women want so it’s time to slow the pace and be courageous. I have decided to exert more effort, both emotionally and practically in making friendships a priority. (Hey, if you are a list person, put it on your list! )
So…what type of friendship fits you?
In this case case, one-size doesn’t fit all. Some friendships are for a season, some are formed for a particular reason, and a select few for all time. Friendships often weave in and out of our lives. Their intensity changes as life stages and circumstances shift. Mary and I went through infertility and adoption together. (Sadly we now only communicate at Christmas- hmmm-I need to call her.) Becky is my ministry partner. Vicki and I pray together. Katie has been my friend since I was four-years-old. Different seasons, different reasons, and for all time.
Honestly, there have been times I have felt envious and a little left out when I see other women having close exclusive friendships; the BFF kind. But, I have learned something about myself, I like people. I like lots of different people. And yes, I do want close friendships but I guess that one and only best bud isn’t the relationship for me. (Disclaimer: Sometimes I wrestle with this. I would love to say and have someone else say, “She’s my best friend.” But the positive side is I can claim that best friend status with my husband.)
How are friendships fostered?
During those times when I have felt lonely, I know it is up to me to seek a friend. If I pray, yet don’t cooperate with the Lord in the pursuit of that relationship, I become my own stumbling block.
Here are some tips that have helped me nurture some good solid friendships:
- Pray for the Lord’s guidance for a godly woman.
- Be open. Watch for the people he has put, is putting , and will put in my path.
- Be willing to make the time to invest in the other person.
- Be proactive. Don’t wait for the other person. Call, text, invite (but don’t be a stalker…friendships develop steadily and slowly).
- Build trust by being a person of integrity. Keep your word, don’t gossip, show grace. Be loving and speak truth.
- Care about your friend’s family.
- Share good and bad times with your friend. Rejoice and weep together.
- Laugh together. Enjoy fun, light-hearted times.
What are some friendship deal breakers?
- Jealousy of the other’s relationships, accomplishments.
- Being easily offended.
- Thinking the worst rather than the best in the person.
- Imbalance. Having an all about me attitude; where one friend is always the listener and the other friend is always the talker.
- Being a downer. Talking time is spent mainly on negative or emotionally draining topics.
- Neediness. The constant desire for affirmation. (Who needs this when we have children to raise? Can I get an Amen? )
- Inability to hold a confidence. (THE biggest friendship killer of all!)
I’m committed to developing new friendships and growing my established friendships deeper. I know it will take time and effort. Women, God created us to be in relationship with each other. Join me in this pursuit. Let’s support and value one another on this mama journey. After all… we are MOMS Together.
With faith, hope, and love,
Written by Lori Wildenberg
