As an adolescent, believing in God seemed to me like a mindless, weak thing to do. That certainly isn't who I was. I was always the “good girl,” the teacher’s pet, the smart one. I liked to figure things out for myself. I wanted to impress people.
I went to church occasionally as a child but once the decision was up to me, I stopped going completely. I had no desire to learn about Jesus, and I depended on myself for everything because, frankly, no one else was as smart as I was.
But when I started high school, I found myself thinking about God anyway. Part of me wanted to believe in Jesus because everyone expected me to, but I resisted because it didn't make much sense to me.
Why would the God of the universe care about me? Since I didn't understand Him, I chose to ignore Him. But you can’t ignore the God of the universe when He is trying to get your attention. Looking back, I can see that during this time God was trying to deal with my heart and open my eyes to see who He really is, not who I thought He was.
Ignoring What I Didn't Understand
I was invited to a number of churches during my junior year of high school, including NewSpring by my friend Zach. I turned down the invitations largely because I was scared.
I didn't want to be thrown into an environment where I thought people expected me to know every Bible story, to be able to sing hymns, to recite verses, or to even know anything about Jesus.
All I knew about Jesus was that He’d supposedly “died on a cross to save me,” but I didn't understand what that meant, and I didn't want anyone to know. But my curiosity started to grow. Zach continued inviting me, and I eventually I agreed to try Fuse.
A Question Needing an Answer
One night after Fuse, Zach asked me to tell him my story about becoming a Christian. I thought being baptized as a child was my story, but he boldly disagreed. I tried to make something up just to avoid being wrong, but Zach didn't buy it.
That night, I couldn't sleep because I was so mad at myself for lying to myself and Zach about having a story. I started picturing Zach’s joy and passion for Jesus and that made me realize I wanted the same. Looking back, I can tell that was Jesus telling me to stop making up a fake story and to just begin a real one by surrendering my life to him. I sought out my friend the next morning and told him the truth—that I didn't have a relationship with Jesus but I wanted one. So there in my high school parking lot, I quit resisting and Zach prayed with me as a received Christ as my Lord and Savior
Being the object of my own praise and glory wasn't enough for me anymore, and even though I still didn't understand why He loved me, I finally realized that I could trust Jesus with my life and my heart, and I knew He would never leave me.
Not Alone
I was still the good girl who always wanted to be the best and do the right thing, but He has worked in my heart to take me from being compassionate towards others for my own benefit, to genuinely loving them because of His genuine love for me. Whereas once I thought that believing in God was a sign of weakness, I am beginning to grasp that having faith actually takes strength because it forces me to admit that I need Jesus and that I can’t make it on my own.
Forever, I will have Jesus walking with me, loving me no matter what, and helping me through every single day—and that alone was worth my surrender.
