Raising teens is hard enough when parents agree on how a child should be parented. But confusion flourishes and relationships flounder when moms and dads can’t seem to get on the same parenting page. During adolescence, kids need a cohesive and focused team approach from Mom and Dad, whether the entire family is living in the same house or not.
This doesn’t mean you have to change your parenting personality. I parent different than my wife. My wife’s personality is different than mine. And it works! The two styles combined provide a varied approach to our kids, who have their own personalities. There are times in our kids’ lives that my type of parenting works best, and there are times when hers does. But make no mistake—above and beyond our parenting styles, my wife and I work together for the same purpose, and that’s to raise healthy and mature kids.
If you and your spouse aren’t on the same parenting page, there’s going to be trouble. Here’s an example. If one of you is focused on pleasing a teen and making him happy all the time, and the other is focused on preparing him for the next stage of life, you’ll end up with a teen who remains immature, and tends to favor the parent who is taking them along the path of least resistance. The other parent becomes the “bad guy” and the teen is not prepared to handle the challenges that will soon be before him. Keep parenting at cross-purposes, and somewhere along the teen-timeline, relationships will be damaged, spouses will be hurt, and lessons will be lost.
So how do you ensure you and your spouse are working as a team?
Watch The Criticism
Since none of us are perfect, there will always be something your spouse did, or didn’t do, that could be cause for complaints. But before you criticize your mate, ask yourself if it will help or hurt your partnership. Too often, moms and dads start seeing each other as adversaries instead of teammates. If your spouse has dropped the ball or fumbled a pass while raising your teen, you don’t have to point it out or assign blame. I can guarantee that you’ll drop the ball a few times as well! Instead, learn how to honestly express the strains and struggles you are feeling towards your spouse without pointing the finger. And if your spouse slips up and directs some blame your way, don’t counterattack. We all get carried away with our words sometimes. Instead, tackle your marital struggles and disagreements with a bedrock commitment to respect and unity. You will not only improve your relationship with your spouse, you will also give your teen a powerful example to follow. My friend DeeDee Mayer says that one of the great benefits of marriage is: “To know and be known as a human being and be loved anyway.”
Agree Even If You Don’t
Moms and Dads will never see eye-to-eye on every parenting issue. But you can agree to work together and speak with one voice and one message to your teens. Agree to talk through disagreements over what is important for your child. When you differ on what the parenting focus should be in your home, some sacrifice from both parents may be necessary in order to reach an agreement. But having a unified front can bring about some big results in your teens. So agree to be united in your parenting. Agree about which “hills to die on”, what’s major, what’s minor, what’s important, what’s not. And if you can’t come to an agreement, then seek counsel from someone you both look up to, and continue to respect each other, especially in front of your kids.
Focus On Your Marriage
My wife and I have been weather-tested when it comes to raising teenagers. But even now, with adult kids, we still tussle over the advice we give to our kids and we still struggle to give each other the grace to make mistakes sometimes. When my twenty-five year old announced his divorce, for instance, Jan and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on what to do, or how to talk with our son. We were confused and hurting, and it took its toll on our marriage. We started drifting apart, setting up emotional foxholes and hunkering down alone. It took the grace of God to snap us out of the funk and get us back together and focused. We realized we needed each other to survive, and working through the pain by ourselves was not an option.
I know this may surprise you, but your relationship with your spouse is more important than your relationship with your child. So this next piece of advice is mandatory: take time every day to give attention to your spouse. Take a break from the rest of your family to go on a date. Write him a love note. Surprise her with flowers. Go away for the weekend. Cultivate a healthy marriage. Nurture each other for a little while and you will soon see how refreshed and re-energized you feel. You’ll work better as a team, and your kids will see a powerful model of a husband and wife who are devoted to each other and are on the same page.
Be Patient
If you’ve been married for a while, you’ve likely realized by now that you can’t change your spouse. The only person you can change is you. Raising teens as a united team takes time. It’s a daily process. We need to display patience and grace with each other in order to make it work. That may require us to give up some of our opinions for the sake of unity. But let me tell you—it’s so worth it!
Parents, if you are approaching the teen years with your kids, start preparing ahead of time. Begin having those conversations to ensure that you are on the same page, and that the foundations of your marriage are strong. The steps you take today will guard your marriage from the problems that can come during adolescence. And if you have teens in your home now, perhaps the best thing you can do for your teen right now is to turn your attention toward your marriage, and strengthen the parenting team.
