I spend tons of time with great young men. Mostly Christians. Almost all married. Clean-cut, upstanding, good jobs, church-going, great dads. Guys you’d trust with your wallet and your wife. Some even in vocational Christian work with churches or parachurch organizations. Many of them though, once they’ve opened up . . . once the ‘masks’ are off and they’re being real, confess to struggling with porn. Some mightily . . . some occasionally, but they still do it. They can’t or won’t stop.
Porn is insidious. The Internet dispenses it in secret. Men are such visual creatures. Look at a few pictures . . . watch a video . . . put it aside. Next time he’s a mad with his wife, feeling bored or rejected, alone somewhere with free time, he’s back online and at it again. Seems a little dirty to him but sort of harmless too. “What’s the big deal? My wife doesn’t know . . . she might not even care,” he thinks. But image-by-image, the sexual standard he compares his wife to grows wilder and more irrational. Quietly, frustration grows with her ‘coldness’ and lack of libido. He changed. She’s blamed.
Years ago, I watched helplessly as a beautiful couple fell apart. He chose porn over personal intimacy. His porn involvement ultimately became an addiction, which ultimately lead him to an extramarital affair and a nasty divorce. Pay attention to his advice . . . this is the voice of experience.
- Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. It’s probably more frequent and more severe than guys are admitting. It’s tough to talk about this junk. Ultimately healing comes from addressing heart issues, not symptoms. That means disclosure, accountability and serious counseling for some.
- Your wife has to know. One of my favorite mentees courageously confessed his porn habit to his wife. She was horrified. But she ‘got her wheels under her,’ forgave him and they’re now closer than ever. Honesty heals, secrecy kills.
- This stuff is extremely addictive. It took my friend many years to slowlyget sucked all the way in. Not everyone who slips in will become an addict, but the odds aren’t good if you treat it like it’s “no big deal, I can stop any time.” It is a big deal. Treat it as such. Shine light on it.
- You can’t get better if you don’t stop. It’s possible to lock yourself down where junk is 95% unavailable. Meaning filters on all work and home computers (your wife has the passwords). It also means replacing phone browsers and all internet-enabled devices with safe browsers or blocking the Internet entirely (this too involves your wife). Even after all these years of ‘sobriety’ from porn, my friend says he would fall again if he didn’t have proper barricades in place.
Your wife is the only legitimate source of romance you will ever have. Make her your exclusive focus. Turn your eyes and your heart exclusively toward her. Love her as Christ loved the church. Give yourself up for her as He gave Himself up for us. Your sexual energy belongs exclusively to your wife. In a way, it’s holy.
“Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you. (Matthew 7:6)
Prayer – “Father, I pray for those who read this and know immediately it’s written for them. Grab their hearts, Lord. Convict them deeply. Please give them the wisdom to know and trust your perfect plan for marriage. Give them the courage to come clean with You, themselves and their wives. Help them stop viewing porn completely. Restore the joy of their salvation and the marriage of their youth. In your Son’s beautiful name. Amen”
