(Today’s post is an excerpt from Chapter 9 of the book: What Radical Husbands Do: 12 Steps to Win and Keep Your Wife’s Heart.)
You don’t have a wife like you have a car. She’s not a possession. She’s a person.
In America, wives are volunteers. They choose to get married. They choose to stay married. They are free.
So setting her free sounds unnecessary, but it’s not.
If we’re honest, we’ll admit that most of us want to control our wives to some degree. We want sex when we want it. We want them to do what we want them to do when we want them to do it. Since we’re a little insecure of their love, we’d rather not give them opportunities to see what they’re missing. We like to be in control.
A guy I know was so down on his wife, he was trying to “freeze her out,” to make her feel so uncomfortable and unloved, she would leave and give him the upper hand in the divorce settlement. He said she wouldn’t engage, wouldn’t talk, wouldn’t go places or do things with him. In a fit of rage one night, he took the battery out of her car. It showed his real issue. He said he wanted emotional engagement, but what he really wanted was control.
Men like to be in control of women. And women resent it and run from it. They want the same thing we want – what all people want – autonomy. They want to make decisions, be trusted, feel empowered and prove their competence. And we want that for them … to a degree … as long as it doesn’t threaten our little worlds or egos.
Men are terribly myopic. We only see things through our own eyes. When we move our families, it’s usually for better jobs. We get excited. Fired up. We’re going to make more money, gain status and receive accolades. We meet new people right away. We’re thrust into new situations where we have to crank it up to make good first impressions and prove we were the right pick for the job. We have effortless access to new friends through our work. We go at it hard and drag ourselves home dead tired.
What we find at home are lonely families. Wives who have moved in support of their husbands have been ripped away from their homes, families and network of friends. Wives who work outside the home are faced with finding a new job, and that’s a huge stressor. The kids don’t know anyone and don’t have playmates. The hard work of making a new house a home falls on wives – usually with limited budgets and often with little support from us. Before we know it, we’re happily engaged in the new place and they’re … well, they can be depressed.
Start thinking about how you can give her more freedom. Resist the temptation to have some big powwow where you’re going to sob and tell her how you love her so much you’re setting her free. Malarkey.
Instead, think.
Think about what she really enjoys that she’s not able to do right now. Do something to send a strong message of genuine love.
The “win” here is for you to change your attitude and approach so she’ll be drawn to you. It’s to instill in you the confidence that you can “let go” and empower her to do things she wants to do. And she’ll still come back to you.
Can you muster up the courage to be a Radical Husband and set her free?
