As my three children have gotten older — two now adults and one in his last year of high school — I am seeing how very much I as a mom latched on to this myth of motherhood: My child’s bad choice means I’m a bad mom.
Here are five parenting practices that help us to debunk this myth:
- Teach your children about the Lord and what he requires — and model a life with Jesus.
We see early in the Bible — as the Lord was instructing the Israelites how to live in the way that he requires — that they were to be certain to pass along all the info to the kiddos too.
And they were to be intentional in talking to their sons and daughters about all the good things God does in their lives. Deuteronomy 4:9 shows this concept: “Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.”
Talk about God’s laws and what he has done in your life. When you eat a formal dinner or just sit and snack in the living room. When you are driving or waiting in line in the carpool. Text biblical encouragement to them when they are away with their friends.
Just knowing what God requires of us isn’t enough. Our kids must know where (or better yet to whom) to go to be empowered to live the Christian life. Don’t be a private Christ-follower. We should allow them to get a glimpse of what a real walk with Christ looks like.
Talk with them about your relationship with God. Being an on-purpose parent means we let our children see us conversing with God, applying his Word, and completely trusting his wisdom and will.
- If our children do wrong, we should guide them back to the right path without beating ourselves up for their mistakes.
Oh, this is so hard! Our human nature wants to lash out, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!” Chances are, they weren’t. We expect them to make decisions as we would — we who are adults, with experience and fully developed brains. But they don’t always.
And when our kids do make bad choices, we must still continue to be a parent — guiding them, loving them, and cheering them on. It doesn’t mean we wink at their wrongdoing, passing it off as no big deal. It does mean we fight the urge to blow up and shame, condemn, and reject.
One of my friends found out her college-age daughter was pregnant out of wedlock. As my friend wisely told me, “When you want them the least is when they need you the most.”
I’m so thankful that we are not bad moms just because our child makes a bad choice. Besides, think of it this way — if you are directly and solely responsible for your child’s bad behavior, then is the flip side also true? Should you take credit for their good and godly choices? No. Anything good and godly in my kids finds all the credit going to God. They make right choices despite my being their parent, because I am imperfect. Any bad choices they make, they own.
- Don’t raise a herd.
While there is merit in having the same rules for all of your children when it comes to issues such as curfew, dating, and such, resist the urge to raise a herd. Children must be treated as individuals. The same discipline will not always work for every child.
Proverbs 22:6 states: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (ESV). The original language in the verse makes it read more like this, as translated in the Amplified Version of the Bible, “Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
- Raise your children on your knees.
Most crucial. Most needed. But sometimes, most overlooked. Especially if you are a “doer.” Doers like to do. Moms who are doers think they should not just sit there but should do something. Sometimes prayer feels like just sitting there. But we have to get this notion out of our brains. Prayer is the most crucial thing when it comes to raising our children.
- Remind yourself that you are seeing the beginning of their testimony.
Once when I was especially distraught over a not-so-hot choice one of my kids had made, I called my friend Lynn. Through my sobs, she heard my heartache and told me exactly the words I needed to hear right then. “Karen, you have to remind yourself that you are seeing the beginning of their testimony. This is not the end.”
I suddenly recalled all of the wonderful people I know today who have a wild testimony. Many of them today are sold-out for Christ and serving him in amazing ways. Despite their bad choices early on in their life, God drew them to himself and they responded. Their testimonies are powerful and show to others the compassion and forgiveness of a holy and mighty God.
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God is greater than the fallout from the choices of your small child. He is greater than the bad decisions they might make during their elementary school years. He is far greater than the consequences of their wrong choices as a teen. And he is greater still than what heartache they may bring to you when they are adults.
Do not tether your identity to the choices of your child — whether stellar or stupid. We are not our child’s choices. Their choices — and their behavior — are their own.
Written by: Karen Ehman and Ruth Schwenk
