We encourage you to invest in your wife. Love her. Meet her needs – for her sake and for the sake of your marriage. How can you do that? Pick a few of the following suggestions, and begin the process of meeting your wife’s sex needs.
- Be consistent. If you give affirmation only when your wife has done something right or performed well, you can actually cause more harm than good. Your wife will begin to feel as if your love is based on her performance. Instead, affirm her. Thank her for the things she does for you and your family. Welcome her advice and insight. Praise her attempts.
- Affirm her “just because.” Randomly say “I love you.” Brag about your wife. A wife is deeply strengthened when she hears her husband express love and appreciation for her in front of others.
- Make her feel beautiful. Airbrushed images, magazine covers, movie stars and models suggest that only certain body shapes are beautiful. Your wife needs to hear you tell her that she’s beautiful. When a wife feels confident about her body, she is more willing and eager to pursue and enjoy sex. Appearance is a sensitive issue for women; it can make or break a great sex life.
- Learn what’s in her mind. For a woman, 99% of sex is in her mind. That’s where sexual interest – or disinterest – begins. If a woman feels drop-dead gorgeous, she will perform sexually as if she is! Find out what your wife is battling: a friend’s betrayal, a dissatisfying job, a critical mother, depression. When a husband finds out what’s going on inside his wife’s head, he is better able to encourage her.
- Include her in your life. Invite your wife to join you in your hobbies. Invite her into your work world too. Your job and your hobbies are a big part of your identity, and your wife wants to know what excites and challenges you. Share your successes and failures with her. She isn’t asking so she can judge you; she’s asking because she genuinely wants to be a part of your life.
- Make eye contact. Look into her eyes when she talks, and hold her gaze. Use your eyes to flirt with your wife.
- Verbally affirm her during sex. When a man talks to his wife during sex, he communicates to her that he is mentally present. The strongest way to make that connection is to describe what she means to you and how much you appreciate her. Remember, women are responders, so if you tell her that you’re “into it” by affirming her, she’ll be more into it too.
- Stay close afterward. After you have enjoyed each other physically, affirm and connect to your wife by staying close and cuddling. Don’t just roll over and say goodnight. Be tender. Bask together in the glow of making love in the way that only God could have created. Tell her how much you enjoy being married to her. She needs your verbal connection to bring closure.
- Learn from her. Often a woman wants her husband to say something to connect with her after she’s been hurt, exhausted, or exasperated – and that doesn’t come automatically to most men. For example, when your wife feels hurt, you might be tempted to say, “You’re a tough woman. You’ll make it.” But your wife may need comfort, not a pep talk. How will you know what she needs? Learn to ask her. This may sound forced, or unnatural, but say, “What do you need me to say right now?” Your wife can teach and help you. She will be encouraged by your open spirit and your desire to connect to her in a way she needs and prefers.
- Identify her need and preferences for touch. To identify your wife’s “touch tone,” ask yourself these questions:
- How does my wife express touch to me most often?
- What does she request from me the most?
- What does she complain about? (Does she complain when you touch her too much, too little, too sexually?)
- Ask her how you’re doing. Ask her if you’re meeting her needs. Ask her what things you’re doing right, and what things could use improvement. Connecting with her this way will make her much more eager to connect with you in a sexual way.
- If you’re confused, clarify. If you sense confusion in your marriage about nonsexual touch, then talk about it. A relationship breaks down when a couple defines nonsexual touch from two different vantage points. It’s better to ask and know exactly what your spouse is thinking than try to read his or her mind, which can lead to conflict.
- Schedule time for connection. Your wife needs a steady diet of appreciation, encouragement, “talk time,” nonsexual touch, and help around the house. She will receive most of those if you use a system of reminders that works best for you. That may mean you literally write “help with the housework” on your daily planner. Here are some suggestions for helping things you can do at various intervals:
- The first 15 minutes you are together in the evening. When you get together in the evening – whether one or both of you have been out at a job – take the first few minutes to connect. How you connect will either help you feel glad you’re together again – or not. Avoid complaining and point out things that didn’t get done. Make each other feel happy to be together again. The first 15 minutes set the tone for the whole evening.
- Every day. Check in with your wife during the day if that is possible. When you are home, set aside some time to be alone together and do something you both enjoy: taking a walk, watching a video, playing a game, cooking, or talking while holding hands. Touch your spouse lovingly at least five times a day.
- Three times a week.Ask your wife, “How can I help you? How can I ease your stress level?” Ask what you can do around the house. You’ll really get her attention if you initiate helping with dishes or folding laundry. Taking on some of her commitments will lift a big load from her shoulders and free her energy to share sexually with you.
- Every weekend. Have a scheduled dinner with just the two of you. You can talk about anything except these three topics: children, finances, and hot-button issues. Instead, discuss what interests your wife. Be interested and interesting.
- Once a month. Talk to your wife and ask if the two of you can count on one evening per week for sexual time and enjoy each other’s bodies. Set aside a night once a month to try new ideas and add variety to your sex life.
